Just a Tool
by Estrelle Buscador
Summary: "He did not belong in the sunshine. He had been foolish to think that he ever could." After Shirayuki was rescued from the Claw of the Sea, Obi is wracked with guilt. Character shot.


I recently got into this fandom and was simultaneously charmed by the anime, the fanfiction community, and Obi.

So...I shook the cobwebs off my writing brain and gave this a shot. So, here's hoping you enjoy! Feedback is appreciated! I've brought it over from A03, my account there is RealtaCuardach :)

...

He forced the thought of the rest reuniting above him away as he glared down at the pirates they had finally managed to subdue. Tried not to think of the Master and Miss embracing each other while Mitsuhide and Miss Kiki looked on benevolently, all made resplendent in the bright seaside sunshine. He had no right to think of such things, his mind should be focused on his task here in the dark crevasses below.

He did not belong in the sunshine. He had been foolish to think that he ever could.

…

He'd known that he was simply a tool from his earliest memory, when he'd been caught sneaking into a dark, crowded alley to sneak some food from a cluster of thugs. He had been too young and dumb and hungry to be afraid of the glinting blades, scarred knuckles, and hulking statures crowding the alleyway. His trek into the den had earned him a blade at his throat, a cuff to the back of his head, and an offer he couldn't refuse to sneak into the crevasses their large bodies couldn't reach to steal from their quarry.

"Told you we couldn't pass a tool like this up," the most boisterous of the group said, slapping him on the back and almost sending him into the snow.

He stayed with them until he grew too much to fit into any convenient crevasses, and the slightly flea-bitten baby-fat cuteness that could beguile the gullible became lean whipcord and jutting joints. He woke up one day to find the fires cold, half his coins and squirreled-away food gone, and the leader's second-worst dagger sticking into the wall beside his head. He took the coins, the dagger, and the hunger before moving on.

As time passed, he acquired more skills to become an even more finely honed tool. He learned to fight like a wolf and climb like a cat. He learned to use his face to threaten or to charm into submission. He learned to smile through searing pain, to shrug off back stabbings and betrayal.

He learned not to get attached.

He was just a tool. He shouldn't have a heart.

After a while, it became easier to go solo rather than run in a pack, although he didn't shy away from anything as long as the coin was good enough. Personally, he'd prefer something requiring at least a little adrenaline, but even doing the most boring jobs now and again was better than starving. So, scaring off a little commoner from fraternizing with a prince for reasons so stupid that only a noble could come up with them - well, it was dull, but a body didn't mind where its bread came from.

He made a mistake, and got attached.

...

"You've earned my trust."

It was a strange thing to hear, and a stranger thing to possess. An assassin's trust only went as far as his closest weapon, and that was to trust that the weapon would make quick work of any backstabbers. To be trusted, trusted openly, with a smile and open blue eyes and an outstretched arm was absurd. But he had it and, despite himself, wanted to keep it beyond what his job required.

Wanted to keep the camaraderie and snarking with the two knights he'd managed to win over. Wanted to keep the grins and flustered expressions on the Master's face when teasing him about Miss. Wanted to keep her sparkling eyes and constant warmth and acceptance. He wanted more than a former assassin, a tool, could ever need.

Or deserve.

He let himself go above his station. And then he ruined everything.

Some knight he had turned out to be. He had one job, to keep her safe, and he failed. Even as he blinked back into painful wakefulness to feel the pulsing dull ache at the back of his neck reverberate through his skull with three worried voices clamoring after him, he was haunted. Haunted by the sight of those fearful green eyes and the fading cries of his name as he dulled into unconsciousness. She had trusted him, and he let her down. Master trusted him, and he let him down. Miss Kiki and Mitsuhide trusted him, and he had failed them. He didn't deserve their trust. He didn't deserve anything.

He wasn't a knight. He wasn't a man. He was just a tool, and apparently a faulty one.

It was time he remembered that.

Even as he tried to cheer up the kids and determine what had already been done, he started slipping into his old self. Once the doctor returned, he hid behind a mask of fatigue and yawned before requesting to be left alone for the night to rest. She quickly agreed, most likely pacified by the thought of someone following her instructions and left him to his musings in the darkness.

His mind began laying plans even as he shed his bodyguard regalia (which he didn't deserve to wear anyway) and into far more appropriate clothing. It was like old times, with one difference - before launching out of the window to the hunt outside, he left a note behind for the rest to follow.

Night faded into dusk and then into morning. Everything dissolved into the wind whipping past his face, the leaves and bark sliding beneath his fingers, and the feeling of the earth against the relentlessness of his feet. It was a relief in a way to fall into familiar routines, but it was poisoned by the guilt pulsing through his veins and the memories of her distressed shouts ringing in his ears. He could make his eyes like flint, his blows like steel, and his voice like iron, but he couldn't make his heart stone, not anymore. It was too late.

When Master finally caught up with them, his traitorous heart both leapt with relief and sank with self-disgust. He bowed low to the ground, his muscles tensing and straining against his natural inclination to keep from being so exposed to another's mercy. He forced his instincts into submission, knowing whatever the prince did was only what he deserved. The blow was expected, the apology was not. He knew that Master was a good man, but even the best men could be driven by rage - especially towards someone who had lost their most precious person. But he got no censure from anymore, despite it all being his fault.

It seemed like he'd have to atone on his own, once the Miss was safe and with the people she loved.

And when she was, he took care to give her space to reunite with them, contenting himself with the fisticuffs and blood and darkness he was accustomed to.

He had no place with them. He didn't deserve it.

…

He had resolved himself to remember his place now that she was safe. He was a tool, and at this point it was futile to imagine that he was anything else. He was a shadow, a lethal slash of blades and daggers, a steely gaze. He was nothing more than that. He would continue to serve as sentry, as steel, as sinew, but he couldn't let himself get attached. He couldn't allow himself that luxury.

But still, he couldn't leave entirely - they had worked their way into his heart, and the thought of never seeing them again sickened him. So stepping into the shadows and staying there, keeping them protected from a distance, would be the best he could do. He kept his eyes like flint and face like stone, becoming everything hard and unfeeling like the tool he was.

That didn't stop his heart from throbbing painfully when he noticed Shira-Miss trying to catch his eye as he rode past her and Mitsuhide (who probably would have taken better care of her, why hadn't he left the original plans well enough alone). He might as well separate into his new role now - quick and clean, while she had plenty of people around to love her.

Not that she would ever be around any other people, he thought with an internal snort of laughter that soon felt sour. She was too easy to love.

…

The bustle of the village of the Lions filled the crisp mountain air. The air, bringing the scent of the trees and the sound of the village, helped ground him a little as he perched in a nearby tree, keeping watch. There was something calming about being in a tree, being above all the things weighing one down, with only the sun and breeze able to reach you.

It was a comfort he didn't deserve, but he welcomed it. He had known it was too good to last. He was only as good as he was useful, and he had failed utterly. As a bodyguard, as a line of defense, as a friend, as a man, he had failed everyone. Failed her.

It would be better for them all if he stayed in the shadows and was useful. He wasn't worthy of anything else.

Still, he'd had a taste of having friends, of being part of a family, of belonging. It was hard to shut that out, even though he knew it was for the best.

The perimeter was safe for the moment, and he felt himself sag back into the tree as the last dregs of adrenaline drained completely from his system, and he became loose and languid as a cat. He let his eyes slide shut, feeling the bark grind into his back as the wind cooled his face, and let the memories flood over him. Her voice calling out, Master leading the charge, Mitsuhide and Miss Kiki leaping into the battle, the mountain monkey mocking him…

The blackness sweeping over him as he lay on the floor, useless.

He gritted his teeth against the bitterness and shuddered. Better to stay unattached. If it hurts, it's to be expected for giving in.

But even as he stated the obvious to himself, he could hear the phantom calls of his mistress.

The calls coming closer and closer…

His eyes popped open. No, they should be sounding further away.

"Obi!"

He looked over to see her running up the hill, calling his name and looking around. His heart leapt into his throat, but he swallowed it down and steeled himself. It would get no easier if he put it off. Better to set the limits now, let her place her faith and friendship in a more worthy person.

"Obi?" She was starting to sound desperate and was right beneath him. Against his better judgment, he flipped over the branch he was sitting on and looked down at her as he dangled by his arms.

He never could ignore her call.

And so he let go.

...

And there you are! Thanks for reading thus far, I hope you enjoyed it!

Now...maybe to get to those other stories that need finishing...


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